Whilst OGRE is pressing on, what with 1.0.2 recently (and some more fixes since then), and Dagon with it’s pleasant smattering of new features, I can’t help acknowledging that I’m in something of a funk right now. I can’t actually remember a time when my motivation was lower than it has been over the past couple of weeks - I’m finding myself approaching the forums with some level of dread at the work they might generate, current Dagon work is going much slower than it could be and generally fails to spark my interest, and whilst I have some great ‘next step’ projects in early phases, something within me asks ‘will it be worth it?’. This is unfamiliar territory for me - I’m used to having mostly boundless energy.
I’m hoping this is just a phase, and I suspect it’s due to a number of work & personal things that have been building up and bumming me out. My health hasn’t been great lately either, what with the recurring back troubles and now a nasty stomach bug I haven’t been able to shake for a few days. Most of all I’m re-evaluating how I spend my spare time - OGRE has brought enormous personal satisfaction over the years, and I’ve had a lot of fun, but it’s just taking too much time. I love seeing what people do with it, and I love the constant learning process it’s been. And, bottom line is that I still love adding to it and making it better - I don’t think I’m likely to ever stop wanting to do that. But I have to start peeling myself away from it more, to have more of a life outside it - I keep trying to do it since 1.0.0 but keep getting sucked back in, to doing more than I really have time for, through a sense of duty. I really have to start cutting that umbilical now. Really 😀
For one, I want to play more games again 😀And just generally have more leisure time with my wife. For two, I need to look after my health better. For three, I need to concentrate on where I’m going next - OGRE as a project will carry on evolving, and I intend to help it to do so, but largely it’s reached it’s major goals. It certainly doesn’t bring me much financial benefit either (if you netted off everything I’m sure I’d be solidly in the red) - TKS generates the odd bit of cash here and there but it’s not a living. I don’t resent that because it’s been fun; but, it’s clear that I can’t afford to spend another 5 years the same way.
So - step 1 is to shake the blues and learn to enjoy life again - that’s my goal for the summer. I have my eye on a Nintendo DS so I can get out more and play more games. 😀Step 2 is to establish the right blend of OGRE & new project work so that I don’t feel I’m on an endless treadmill for the benefit of others, but have a goal of my own which I have enough time to myself to actually reach. I have to be a lot more ruthless with my time than I have been of late to get that right, and not slip back into doing pure OGRE all the time.
Well, that’s been the sort of personal tirade that I said I wasn’t in favour of in blogs; so I’m a hypocrite too 😀But, by ‘airing my laundry’ here I’m hoping this entry will remind ME what I should be doing if I start falling back into working on OGRE 24/7 again.